Why We Need Relationships: Understanding the Human Drive for Connection

At some point, almost everyone - regardless of whether they are in a relationship or not - finds themselves returning to the same persistent question: why do we need relationships at all?

Why do we need relationships, particularly romantic relationships? Why seek closeness, intimacy, partnership, or even fleeting connection when it so often comes with uncertainty, disappointment, or heartbreak? Understanding why we need relationships is fundamental to understanding ourselves.

In the distant past, before the modern romantic ideal took hold, the question of why we need relationships felt simpler. Relationships, and later marriages, were largely formed for pragmatic reasons. The concern was not whether two people were 'soulmates,' but whether a union would benefit the wider family socially, financially, or politically. These decisions were rarely left to young adults themselves. They were carefully negotiated by elders, embedded in structures that prioritised stability over personal fulfilment.

In contemporary Western culture, we are offered something different - the freedom, within limits, to choose our partner for ourselves. Yet this freedom brings with it a new kind of uncertainty. Without inherited scripts or external guarantees, we are left navigating relationship expectations and meaning largely on our own.

And yet, despite the frustrations of modern dating, the human desire for connection persists. Dating apps come and go, expectations evolve, and social norms shift, yet the question of why we need relationships remains strikingly consistent. To understand why we need relationships, we need to look beneath behaviour and preference, and towards something more fundamental: how human beings are wired, shaped, and moved by relationships themselves.

Why We Need Relationships: How the Brain Is Wired for Connection

From a neuroscientific perspective, human beings are not designed for isolation. Our nervous systems develop in relationships and remain attuned to others throughout life. This biological foundation explains much about why we need relationships in our daily existence.

Connection activates neural circuits associated with reward, safety, and regulation. When we feel close to someone, emotionally or physically, the brain releases neurotransmitters such as dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. These chemicals are involved in pleasure, bonding, trust, and emotional soothing - often referred to as relationship dopamine. This neurochemical response is a key reason why we need relationships, particularly romantic relationships, so deeply.

Equally important is what happens in the absence of connection. Prolonged loneliness activates stress responses in the body. Cortisol rises, the nervous system becomes more vigilant, and emotional regulation becomes harder. From this angle, seeking a relationship is not a romantic ideal but a biological imperative; connection helps us feel safe, balanced, and alive. From a physiological standpoint this is fundamentally why we need relationships.

When neuroscientist and psychoanalyst Mark Solms describes love as an affective state, he is pointing to something more basic than a feeling we can easily name. An affective state is a bodily-felt condition that organises how we relate to the world before we think about it. It sits at the intersection of body and mind, shaping our sense of safety, closeness, and vulnerability. From this perspective, love is not primarily a belief or a choice, but a lived state of being affected by another. This helps explain why we need relationships: they are not things we can fully rationalise or optimise, because they arise from embodied states of attachment and dependence that precede conscious choice.

Neuroscientist Antonio Damasio argues that feelings arise from the interaction between the nervous system and the body’s internal regulation processes - a view suggesting that emotional states like love are deeply rooted in life-regulating biology rather than abstract mental constructs. In his work on emotion and feeling, Damasio shows how love arises from bodily processes designed to maintain balance, safety, and connection. Feelings, he argues, are the mind's experience of what is happening in the body. From this perspective, love is neither purely emotional nor purely rational; it is an embodied state that binds us to others and, in doing so, necessarily exposes us to vulnerability. This embodied understanding of emotion helps explain why we need relationships: connection plays a central role in how humans regulate safety, balance, and emotional wellbeing.

This is one reason why dating anxiety can feel so intense. It is not merely about preference or ego; it is the nervous system reacting to perceived risk around attachment and belonging. Understanding the psychology of human connection helps us recognise these responses as natural rather than problematic, and illuminates why we need relationships despite the anxiety they can provoke.

Why We Need Relationships in an Age of Individualism and Uncertainty

A sociological perspective reminds us that why we need relationships is never purely personal. Relationships are shaped by the wider conditions in which we live, economic structures, cultural ideals, and technological systems.

Over the past few decades, Western societies have undergone a profound shift towards individualism. People are increasingly expected to be autonomous, self-defining, and emotionally self-sufficient. While this has expanded freedom, it has also quietly transferred responsibility for relational success onto the individual. This context shapes modern dating psychology in profound ways, yet doesn't change the fundamental truth of why we need relationships.

Where earlier generations inherited clearer relational scripts like marriage, gender roles, and community expectations, in today's time, people are expected to design their own intimate lives. Sociologists describe this as the move from "given lives" to "chosen lives." Love becomes a project, something to be managed, optimised, and justified. Yet beneath these changing social structures, the underlying reality of why we need relationships remains unchanged.

At the same time, economic precarity and changing work patterns have destabilised traditional timelines for commitment. Housing insecurity, freelance labour, and delayed milestones make long-term planning harder, even for those who want it. Dating becomes a space where broader social anxieties about stability, value, and belonging are quietly rehearsed. The impact of dating apps on relationships has further complicated this landscape, though it hasn't altered why we need relationships at a fundamental level.

Sociologist Julia Carter’s research on love and intimate relationships highlights how cultural norms shape how people describe and experience connection in contemporary life, offering an important sociological perspective on why we need relationships. When she interviewed young women about their relationships, many struggled to talk about love directly, even though they clearly cared deeply about their partners. Carter found that love is often assumed rather than explicitly described, and that many relationships are talked about as if they "just happened" rather than being consciously chosen. This suggests that why we need relationships is not only emotionally complex but also shaped by cultural norms. In Western societies, romantic love has become a central organising idea over the past century: not simply a personal feeling, but a social construct that legitimises families and intimate attachments. Carter's work reminds us that love is both deeply meaningful and remarkably hard to put into words, and that our experiences are shaped not solely by inner states, but by the cultural and relational spaces we inhabit.

Technology and the Enduring Need for Relationships

Technology intensifies this further. Dating apps reflect what sociologists describe as neoliberal logics: choice, competition, visibility, and self-branding. Profiles ask users to present themselves as desirable commodities, while algorithms promise efficiency and optimisation. In this context, intimacy risks being treated less as a relationship and more as a personal achievement. While the need for connection remains unchanged, navigating modern dating means understanding why we need relationships alongside recognising red flags that can shape how those connections unfold.

This helps explain why many people feel both compelled to date and exhausted by it. Seeking connection today often means navigating not only another person, but an entire cultural system that prioritises productivity, performance, and constant evaluation. Even as the ways we form connections continue to evolve, why we need relationships remains unchanged.

Attachment Theory and Why We Need Relationships: The Unconscious Dimension

Psychoanalytic thinking approaches the question of why we need relationships from a different angle. It suggests that when we reach towards another person, we are rarely seeking only the person in front of us. We are also seeking something less visible: a feeling, a repair, a repetition, or an answer to an earlier question about love. Perhaps this could explain why we sometimes fall for a person who, on the surface, is 'not our type.' This does not mean that we are simply repeating the past or unconsciously seeking the same outcomes. Rather, it suggests that why we need relationships is shaped by layers of meaning that operate beyond conscious choice. Falling for someone 'not our type' may signal that something deeper is being encountered, something that resists easy categorisation but carries emotional significance.

Our first experiences of closeness, most often with caregivers, leave deep and lasting impressions. Long before we can articulate them, we form expectations about what connection feels like, how reliable it is, what it costs emotionally, and whether it endures or fades away. These early impressions don't disappear; they shape how we recognise intimacy later on. Attachment theory in relationships provides a framework for understanding these patterns and helps explain why we need relationships in ways that feel both familiar and new.

Some psychoanalysts, such as Dr Galit Atlas, have written about how emotional material from previous generations - including longings, losses, or unfinished stories - can shape how we relate to others in adult life, a concept explored in her work on emotional inheritance. In this sense, what draws us to another person may not belong entirely to the present moment, but to something that has been waiting to be felt, named, or understood. This deeper understanding illuminates why we need relationships beyond surface-level attraction.

Early Experiences Shape Why We Need Relationships

Susie Orbach similarly emphasises that we do not leave our emotional histories behind when we grow up. We bring our need for recognition, reassurance, and being met into our relationships. Partners can become the place where old relational questions quietly resurface, not because we are repeating the past mechanically, but because relationships offer a living space in which something unresolved might finally be addressed. Exploring how connection unfolds across the stages of falling in love helps us understand the emotional, psychological, and biological forces at play - and ultimately clarifies why we need relationships to feel secure, seen, and connected.

This does not mean we are doomed to repeat what came before. But it does mean that what we want from relationships is layered. We want the other person, yes, but we also want reassurance, safety, excitement, difference, familiarity, or relief from a familiar sense of wanting and never getting. Looking at different relationship types helps clarify these varied needs and sheds light on why we need relationships in such different forms.

From this perspective, the question "Why do we need relationships?" becomes less puzzling. We are drawn not only towards others, but towards the possibility that something unfinished might return in another form, not to trap us in repetition, but to give us a chance to relate to it differently. This is perhaps the deepest answer to why we need relationships.

Why We Keep Trying, Even When Dating Is Hard: Why We Need Relationships Despite Challenges

Taken together, neuroscience, social psychology, and psychoanalytic thought converge on a simple idea: why we need relationships is because they are not optional extras in human life. They regulate us, orient us, and give shape to our inner world. The psychology of human connection reveals this as a fundamental human need, helping us understand why we need relationships at the deepest level.

This helps explain why people continue dating even after disappointment, burnout, or rejection. The drive toward connection is not naive optimism; it is deeply rooted in how we function as humans. What often needs changing is not the desire for a relationship, but the conditions under which we pursue it. Many wonder about the fear of being alone, which often drives persistent dating efforts. Understanding why we need relationships can help us approach this fear with more compassion.

Asking why we need relationships isn’t about romanticising connection or overlooking its challenges. It's about recognising that the human desire for connection is as fundamental as our need for food, shelter, and safety. When we feel exhausted by modern dating, it's not because the desire for connection is flawed, but because the systems we use to find it may not honour our deeper needs. Remembering why we need relationships helps us stay grounded and resilient, even when connection feels difficult or uncertain.

Making Space for Connection: When Modern Systems Shape Why We Need Relationships

If why we need relationships is so fundamental, then the environments we use to meet others matter greatly. Platforms that heighten performance pressure, accelerate judgment, or overload users with information can intensify anxiety rather than support connection. The impact of dating apps on relationships warrants careful consideration when we think about why we need relationships and how we seek them.

A psychologically informed approach to dating acknowledges that people arrive with histories, hopes, and vulnerabilities. It allows for curiosity instead of certainty, pacing instead of urgency, and encounter instead of optimisation. Once we understand why we need relationships, the real question becomes how to date authentically.

The more important question may not be why we need relationships, but how we can pursue them in a way that feels meaningful and healthy. It also matters whether the spaces where we meet others support connections that feel grounded, open, and genuinely human. Being aware of different relationship styles - from casual dating to committed partnerships - can help us navigate these connections thoughtfully, honouring both our own needs and those of others.

For those wondering about alternative relationship structures, exploring topics like non-monogamy or open-minded dating can expand our understanding of how different people answer the question of why we need relationships.

Why Do Humans Need Emotional Connection? A Summary of Why We Need Relationships

Why we need relationships ultimately comes down to our fundamental nature as social beings. Our emotional development depends on early attachment experiences that shape how we relate throughout life. Even in modern life, with its strong emphasis on individualism, the question of why we need relationships is ultimately answered by biology and psychology, not culture alone.

Whether navigating dating after a breakup, understanding serious relationship signs, or simply seeking companionship, recognising why we need relationships helps us approach connection with greater compassion - for ourselves and others. The answer to why we need relationships is multifaceted, spanning neuroscience, psychology, sociology, and our own lived experience.

Key Takeaways: Why We Need Relationships

• The need for relationships is biological, not optional.
  Human nervous systems are wired for connection. Emotional closeness regulates stress, supports emotional balance, and activates neurochemical systems linked to safety, reward, and bonding.

• Love is an embodied state, not just a feeling or choice.
  Neuroscience and psychoanalytic thought show that love operates through the body as much as the mind, shaping how we experience safety, vulnerability, and closeness before conscious reasoning.

• Modern dating hasn’t changed the need for connection - only the conditions around it.
  Individualism, economic uncertainty, and dating apps have altered how relationships form, but not why we seek them. The desire for intimacy remains remarkably stable beneath shifting norms.

• Relationships are shaped by unconscious histories as well as present choices.
  Early attachment experiences influence how we recognise closeness, manage intimacy, and respond to separation, often outside conscious awareness.

• Dating anxiety is often a nervous system response, not a personal failing.
  Feelings of fear, urgency, or overwhelm in dating contexts reflect attachment and regulation processes, rather than a lack of resilience or clarity.

• We are drawn to relationships for more than companionship.
  Relationships offer spaces where unresolved emotional questions, longings, and needs for recognition can resurface and potentially be met differently.

• The persistence of dating reflects a deep human drive, not naïveté.
  Continuing to seek connection after disappointment is not irrational optimism, but an expression of how deeply relationships organise human life.

• The environments we use to seek connection matter.
  Platforms and systems that emphasise performance, speed, or constant evaluation can intensify anxiety rather than support meaningful encounter.

• Understanding why we need relationships shifts the focus from self-blame to context.
  Exhaustion with modern dating often reflects a mismatch between human emotional needs and the structures designed to meet them.

• The central question may be how we pursue connection, not whether we need it.
  A psychologically informed approach to dating allows for pacing, curiosity, and uncertainty - conditions that better support genuine connection.

Frequently Asked Questions

• What is dating culture like in the UK?

  Dating culture in the UK has evolved significantly, particularly with the rise of dating apps and changing social norms. British dating tends to be more reserved initially, with people often meeting through friends, work, or apps rather than approaching strangers in public. According to research from the Office for National Statistics, cohabitation before marriage has become increasingly common, with many couples living together before making formal commitments. The UK dating scene values authenticity and humour, though regional differences exist between cities like London, Manchester, and Edinburgh. Research suggests that British adults often navigate ambiguity around exclusivity - only about one in three say a conversation makes a relationship exclusive - and around a quarter report having dated more than one person at the same time before settling into a defined relationship. Emotional intelligence in dating is particularly valued within UK dating culture, reflecting broader social patterns in how and why we need relationships today.

• Why do we need relationships in our lives?

  Why we need relationships is rooted in our biological, psychological, and social nature. From a neuroscientific perspective, relationships activate reward circuits in our brain, releasing dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin that help regulate our emotional states. The psychology of human connection shows that we develop our sense of self through relationships from infancy onwards. Research from the Mental Health Foundation highlights that people who are more socially connected - through close relationships with friends, family, and community - tend to have better physical and mental health and are likely to live longer than those who are less connected. Relationships provide emotional support, reduce stress, give our lives meaning, and help us navigate challenges. Why humans seek relationships isn't merely about avoiding loneliness - it's about fulfilling a fundamental need for recognition, belonging, and mutual care that shapes our entire experience of being human.

• What is love in a relationship?

  Love in a relationship is both a neurobiological state and an emotional experience that binds people together. From a scientific perspective, brain chemistry and love involve the release of neurotransmitters like dopamine (creating excitement and pleasure), oxytocin (fostering bonding and trust), and serotonin (contributing to mood regulation). Psychoanalysts like Mark Solms describe love as an "affective state" - a bodily-felt condition that organises how we relate to the world. Antonio Damasio's research shows love as an embodied state that maintains balance, safety, and connection. Beyond chemistry, love involves vulnerability, commitment, and the willingness to be affected by another person. Research on romantic relationships indicates that feelings of passion and attraction in early stages often evolve over time into deeper bonds characterised by intimacy, trust, and respect - patterns observed across different age groups in UK relationship research. Understanding what consent in a relationship is also fundamental to healthy love.

• Why do I crave a relationship so badly?

  Craving a relationship intensely is a common experience rooted in multiple factors. Neurologically, humans are wired for connection - prolonged isolation activates stress responses, raising cortisol and making emotional regulation harder. Our need for romantic relationships is rooted in the human attachment system, which forms in early childhood and continues to shape how we seek closeness throughout life. Attachment theory in relationships suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape how intensely we seek connection as adults. If you experienced inconsistent care, you might develop an anxious attachment style that creates stronger cravings for reassurance through relationships. Sociologically, contemporary culture places enormous emphasis on romantic love as a source of identity and fulfilment, which can intensify feelings of lack when single. The fear of being alone is recognised by UK mental health organisations like Mind as part of the broader experience of loneliness and social disconnection that influences how people seek connection and relationships. If the craving feels overwhelming, it may be worth exploring these patterns with a therapist to understand whether you're seeking a relationship to meet genuine connection needs or to avoid uncomfortable feelings about yourself.

• Do British men pay on dates?

  The question of who pays on dates in the UK has become more nuanced in recent years. Traditional expectations that men should always pay have evolved alongside changing gender roles and attitudes about equality. According to surveys conducted by dating platforms, British dating culture now commonly involves either splitting the bill, taking turns paying, or discussing payment beforehand. Many British men still offer to pay on first dates, but most appreciate it when their date offers to split or contributes. The key factor is communication and mutual respect rather than rigid rules. Research from YouGov shows that younger generations in particular favour more egalitarian approaches to date expenses. The expectation often depends on who initiated the date, the venue chosen, and both people's financial circumstances. What matters most in UK dating culture is that both parties feel comfortable and respected, rather than adhering to outdated gender-based expectations. Understanding modern approaches to dating etiquette across all contexts helps navigate these situations.

Further Reading

• At BARE, we believe in the circular life of a book. To reduce our collective footprint, we suggest choosing pre-loved, audio, or e-book editions where available. When only a new copy will do, we strive to support independent booksellers. This keeps our reading habits sustainable for the planet and for your pockets.

• Susanna Abse: “Tell Me the Truth About Love: 13 Tales from the Therapist's Couch.”

• Anouchka Grose: “No more Silly Love Songs. A realist’s guide to romance.”

• Esther Perel: “Mating in Captivity. Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic.”

• Amir Levine & Rachel Heller: “Attached: The New Science of Adult  Attachment and How it Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love.” 

• Dr Angela Ahola: “100 Dates: The Psychologist Who Kissed 100 Frogs So You Don’t Have To.”

• Samantha Irby: “We are never meeting in real life.”

Anna Sergent, MA Psych. UKCP (CPJA)
Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist

Disclaimer

The thoughts in this article are my own and are for information only. They are not intended as psychotherapeutic advice or a substitute for professional support.