The Stages of Falling in Love: From Fusion to Fracture (and Back Again)
TL;DR
The stages of falling in love follow a psychological journey from initial attraction to deep commitment. Based on Levinger's model, relationships move through five key phases: Acquaintance (initial attraction), Buildup (deepening trust), Continuation (long-term commitment), Deterioration (facing challenges), and Termination or Transformation. This guide explores each stage through iconic films like Lost in Translation and Before Sunrise, revealing how the process of falling in love involves both conscious choices and unconscious patterns shaped by our past experiences and emotional needs.
Table of Contents
The Stages of Falling in Love
Stage 1: Acquaintance and Initial Attraction
Stage 2: Buildup and Emotional Connection
Stage 3: Continuation and Commitment
Stage 4: Deterioration and Relationship Challenges
Stage 5: Termination or Transformation
Key Takeaways
FAQs
The Stages of Falling in Love
Have you ever thought about how falling in love actually happens? Many of us notice that the stages of falling in love seem to follow a kind of rhythm or pattern. You meet someone, feel the spark of mutual attraction, moving towards a deepening connection. Over time, it can grow to the point where commitment feels possible, when a couple is ready to think about a shared future.
Yet from the very start, every relationship carries within it an ending. One way or another, no connection remains unchanged. Some psychologists, observing patterns in how people experience the process of falling in love, have tried to map this into relationship development stages.
For this blog, I've decided to base the stages of falling in love on Levinger's ABCDE model, as it seems realistic and straightforward, yet its simplicity allows for the blur that is so central to thinking about love and how it develops. From my experience as a psychoanalytic psychotherapist, models are guides, tools to aid more complex reflection. They are not definitive answers, and it may be unwise to take them at face value.
Let's start with Levinger's definition of a 'relationship'. What can it 'really' mean when people say they are "in a relationship"? At its heart, and looking at it in abstract terms, it implies movement, change, and mutual influence. If two total strangers begin to notice they are developing a close relationship, according to Levinger, it indicates they are transitioning from independence to a significant level of interdependence, creating a complex and dynamic emotional connection that often is not easy to disentangle.
Levinger's Model: The 7 Stages of Falling in Love Explained
Levinger's model traces five primary stages of love (though some interpretations expand this to seven stages):
Acquaintance - where initial attraction and attachment draw people together, often based on what they share rather than what separates them.
Buildup - in which trust and closeness deepen, allowing the relationship to strengthen through emotional connection signs.
Continuation - when people are ready for some form of long-term commitment, moving in together, marriage, or having children. This stage often brings stability, but prolonged sameness can sometimes verge on stagnation.
Deterioration - which can affect even thriving relationships. At this point, difficulties may be overcome by discovering something new within the relationship, or may lead toward a decline.
Termination - when people cannot surmount their differences and decide to end the relationship.
On paper, it appears neat, a tidy map of the stages of a romantic relationship. Yet life experience and psychoanalysis show us that the lines between these stages of falling in love are rarely so clear-cut. Relationships are rarely linear. Each stage carries its opposite: attraction and attachment, desire and disillusionment, often replayed in repetition, fantasy, and projection.
Cinema has long reflected these unconscious movements in the stages of falling in love psychology. Watching lovers meet, merge, and unravel on screen allows us to witness our own psychic dramas. We see the spark of mutual attraction, the thrill of lust, the tentative steps into falling in love, and sometimes the promise of commitment. Yet most films linger on the "falling in love" moment, rarely showing the realities of sustained, committed relationships.
You might also wonder: How does this apply to modern dating scenarios? If you're exploring different relationship styles, understanding these stages of falling in love can help whether you're interested in open-minded dating or casual dating. Let's explore some examples of love and dating in the movies that feel more grounded, more recognisable, and more complicated.
1. Acquaintance and the Spark of Initial Attraction
Film: Lost in Translation (2003)
Among the first stages of falling in love, is acquaintance, where fantasy does the heaviest lifting. In psychoanalytic terms, what we fall for is rarely the other person; it's the image that we unconsciously construct based on our past experiences, what we were told, things we have read or watched, and subsequently the convictions and fantasies we hold about love and relationships. That is not always something that we can clearly pinpoint. This is why, at times, it is not easy to find an answer to the question: what attracted you to that specific person?
Signs of Falling in Love at the Acquaintance Stage
In the movie itself, Charlotte and Bob's brief, ambiguous connection captures this beginning stage of the process of falling in love - the flowering attraction. Their acquaintance and mutual attraction are built mainly on shared loneliness and projected meaning. They know barely anything about one another, but the chance meeting serves a certain purpose in their lives as they are at the time and meets a deeper need for togetherness in loneliness.
According to research from the British Psychological Society, the early signs of falling in love include increased heart rate, heightened attention to the other person, and a desire to spend more time together. The encounter is an echo chamber of deep desire, something partially recognised but never fully articulated and spoken about.
Another common question is: What if I'm not sure about my feelings at this stage? It's perfectly normal to feel uncertain during the initial stages of falling in love. The acquaintance phase is about exploration, and there's no pressure to define your feelings immediately.
2. Buildup and the Fusion Fantasy: Emotional Connection Signs
Film: Before Sunrise (1995)
As intimacy grows in the stages of falling in love, so does the fantasy of sameness. In Before Sunrise, Jesse and Céline meet by chance on a train and decide, almost impulsively, to spend one night wandering through Vienna together. What unfolds is a long, meandering conversation about love, death, time, and everything in between. They talk, tease, and reveal small pieces of themselves little by little, believing they've found something pure. A longed-for romantic connection without conflict, understanding without words.
The Process of Falling in Love Deepens
This chance encounter captures what so many people wish for in the early stages of falling in love - that oceanic feeling of merging with another person, when differences seem to melt away. The world feels suspended, as if time itself bends to accommodate two people who've stumbled upon something extraordinary.
In Levinger's terms, this is the buildup aspect of the relationship development stages - the deepening of trust, the sharing of stories, and the beginnings of emotional commitment. It's that intoxicating phase when we see the best in the other person, and, through them, the best in ourselves. Everything feels effortless, and we experience clear emotional connection signs, but perhaps that's what makes this stage so fleeting and temporary.
Buildup stage: What to Expect
The buildup phase of the 7 stages of falling in love typically involves:
Increased communication and desire to share experiences
Growing trust and vulnerability
Physical attraction intensifying
Beginning to imagine a future together
Feeling understood and accepted
Before Sunrise ends with a promise to meet again, though we're left unsure whether they ever will. It's a reminder that this phase of the stages of falling in love, as beautiful as it is, can't last forever. The fantasy of perfect understanding gives way, eventually, to the reality of difference, but for a moment, it feels like everything we've ever wanted.
You might also wonder: How long does this stage last? The buildup phase in the stages of a romantic relationship varies greatly between couples - it can last weeks, months, or even years. What matters most is that both partners are moving at a comfortable pace. For those exploring different relationship styles, understanding these timelines is crucial, whether you're interested in non-monogamy or traditional partnership models.
3. Continuation and the Work of Love: Commitment in the Stages of Falling in Love
Film: Marriage Story (2019)
In Levinger's continuation stage of the stages of falling in love, relationships often appear settled. Shared lives, routines, and a sense of commitment bring comfort and stability. Yet beneath that surface calm lies the real work of love, which can be living with another person's difference, day after day.
Stages of a Romantic Relationship: The Reality Check
Marriage Story captures this with somewhat painful precision. Charlie and Nicole's marriage, once full of creativity and passion, begins to crack under the weight of everyday tensions and resentments that they don't know how to address and speak about. Their story shows how the process of falling in love doesn't simply end when arguments begin. The relationship can be tested in how we handle disappointment, power struggles, and the slow erosion of idealisation.
According to Relate UK, one of Britain's leading relationship counselling services, this stage of the relationship development requires active maintenance and communication. It can be a surprise once we start seeing our partner as a human being with their faults and peculiarities, and hopefully, we learn how to love them.
Setting Boundaries in Long-Term Relationships
As Charlie's and Nicole's relationship unravels, both of them reveal how easy it is to lose sight of where one person ends and the other begins. The partner becomes a mirror, sometimes reflecting what we most love about ourselves, and at other times, what we most wish to avoid. Understanding how to set boundaries in a relationship becomes essential during this part of the stages of falling in love.
Levinger might describe this as the continuation of commitment in the 7 stages of falling in love, but the film shows how continuation demands constant negotiation. Love here is not about perfection or harmony - it's about the difficult, often messy work of recognising and accepting the other as separate, without retreating into blame or indifference.
Another common question is: How do you maintain passion during this stage? Maintaining passion during the continuation phase of the stages of falling in love requires intentional effort. Couples can try new activities together, maintain individual interests, schedule regular date nights, and keep communication open about desires and needs.
4. Deterioration and the Return of the Repressed: Challenges in Falling in Love Psychology
Film: Blue Valentine (2010)
When a relationship begins to deteriorate in the stages of falling in love, what surfaces are not simply new conflicts but echoes of old hurts. The tenderness that once bound two people together starts to feel strained, and moments of love are laced with anger, blame, and disappointment. Yet beneath those painful feelings, there often lingers a deep longing for what once was.
The Deterioration Phase of Relationship Development Stages
Blue Valentine captures this heartbreak with raw and real honesty. The film moves between the couple's early days - full of laughter, music, and spontaneous affection - and their later years, when that spark has dimmed. Watching Dean and Cindy together feels like witnessing two versions of the same love story within the stages of a romantic relationship. Where one is alive and full of possibility, the other is heavy with loss and dead ends.
Their arguments are charged not only with frustration but with a desperate desire to recover something already disappearing and slipping away. It's as if each fight is a way of saying, "Don't let this die." Painful as it is, it delivers shocks to their deteriorating relationship, keeping it going on 'life support.' We see how hard it can be to let go of the fantasy that once held the process of falling in love together, even when both people know it's no longer working, and all they prolong is suffering.
Signs Your Relationship Is in the Deterioration Stage
Levinger's deterioration stage reminds us that even strong relationships can falter. But Blue Valentine shows that within every ending lies a haunting repetition of the beginning - the same longing, the same hope, just played out through different, more painful and desperate notes in the stages of falling in love.
Key signs of falling in love fading include:
Decreased communication and emotional intimacy
Increased criticism and defensiveness
Loss of physical affection
Spending less quality time together
Feeling disconnected or misunderstood
According to The Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships, a leading UK charity specialising in couple therapy, recognising these signs early can help couples decide whether to work through difficulties or prepare for separation.
You might also wonder: Can relationships recover from deterioration? Yes, many relationships can recover from the deterioration stages of falling in love with professional help, renewed commitment, and open communication. Couples therapy, individual reflection, and willingness to change patterns can help restore connection.
5. Termination (or Transformation) and Love After Love
Film: Scenes from a Marriage (1974)
Levinger's final step in the stages of falling in love, termination, marks the end of a relationship, but endings are rarely so clear-cut. When love ends, it doesn't simply disappear. It lingers in memories, in habits, in the quiet ways in which two lives were once intertwined.
The Final Stage of the Process of Falling in Love
In Scenes from a Marriage, Johan and Marianne reconnect years after their divorce. They meet not to rekindle what they had, but to face the complex feelings that have never fully gone away, to experience some kind of closure. Their encounters are tender, awkward, and deeply human - as if they were trying to salvage what is left from their once-strong connection, to transform it into something else so that they are not left with nothing, with a void. What emerges is not reconciliation, but recognition - an acceptance that love changes its shape over time within the stages of a romantic relationship.
The film reminds us that even when we reach the final phase of the relationship development stages, the bond leaves a trace. Love becomes part of who we are, woven into our sense of self and our history. We carry fragments of past attraction and attachment - sometimes with guilt or regret, sometimes with a certain fondness.
Transformation: A Different Perspective on the Stages of Falling in Love
Levinger might describe this as the final stage of the 7 stages of falling in love, but perhaps it's more of a transformation than an ending. The love we once felt doesn't vanish, but it can evolve, taking on new forms that can be memories, a deeper understanding, or even sustained compassion. As Scenes from a Marriage beautifully shows, love after love is still love, which is spoken in a different language.
For those navigating the end of relationships, especially within the LGBTQ+ community, understanding that endings can be transformations rather than failures can provide comfort and perspective.
Love as a Repetition Rather Than Progression in the Stages of Falling in Love
Levinger's stages of falling in love suggest a forward motion, a tidy progression from beginning to end. But in reality, the process of falling in love rarely follows a straight line. It circles back on itself. We repeat old patterns, replay familiar fantasies, and find ourselves drawn to echoes of the past, searching, perhaps unconsciously, for what was missing the first time in our journey through the stages of falling in love.
Maybe that's why love stories never lose their pull. Each film, each song, each novel about lovers finding and losing one another, stirs something in us. We recognise fragments of our own story in the stages of a romantic relationship - the hopes, the disappointments, the longing to be seen and understood.
The psychoanalyst Jacques Lacan once said that falling in love is like "giving something we don't have to someone who doesn't want it." It sounds puzzling, even bleak and hopeless, but there's something deeply human in it. The stages of falling in love always involve risk and misrecognition; we offer parts of ourselves we can't fully grasp, and the other person, in turn, responds from their own mystery and questions that cannot be answered.
However, within something that may seem difficult to grasp and full of uncertainties within the relationship development stages lies something real. Love, in all its forms - fleeting or lasting, joyous or painful - opens a space of encounter with the other person and with ourselves. It's where different worlds meet, never perfectly and coherently, but just enough to remind us that we are alive, and that connection, however it may seem shaky or even fragile, is always possible through the process of falling in love.
Key Takeaways: The Stages of Falling in Love
The stages of falling in love follow a psychological pattern - From initial attraction to deep commitment, relationships typically move through five key phases: Acquaintance, Buildup, Continuation, Deterioration, and Termination/Transformation.
Falling in love psychology involves unconscious processes - Our attraction is shaped by past experiences, fantasies, and projections rather than just conscious choice.
Relationship development stages are not linear - Couples often circle back through different phases, repeating patterns and facing similar challenges in new forms.
Emotional connection signs appear early - Increased communication, vulnerability, trust, and desire to spend time together mark the buildup phase of falling in love.
Long-term commitment requires active work - The continuation stage demands constant negotiation, boundary-setting, and acceptance of differences.
Deterioration doesn't mean failure - Even strong relationships face challenges; recognising warning signs early can help couples decide whether to work through difficulties or prepare for change.
Endings can be transformations - The termination stage doesn't erase love; it transforms it into memories, lessons, and sometimes sustained compassion.
Mutual attraction involves both partners. Healthy stages of a romantic relationship require reciprocal effort, communication, and commitment from both people.
FAQs: Everything You Need to Know About the Stages of Falling in Love
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The 7 stages of falling in love, often based on expanded versions of Levinger's model or other psychological frameworks, typically include:
Attraction - Initial physical or emotional draw
Infatuation - Intense romantic feelings and idealisation
Uncertainty - Doubts about compatibility or commitment
Intimacy - Deep emotional bonding and vulnerability
Engagement - Decision to commit long-term
Partnership - Building a shared life together
Deepening love - Mature, stable love with acceptance of imperfections
Some models describe the stages of falling in love differently, with five or six stages instead. What matters most is recognising that the process of falling in love involves multiple phases of deepening connection, each with its own challenges and rewards. Different cultural perspectives and psychological theories may categorise these relationship development stages in varying ways, but they generally follow a similar emotional trajectory.
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The first signs of falling in love during the initial stages of falling in love include:
Increased thoughts about the person - They occupy your mind throughout the day
Physical reactions - Butterflies in your stomach, increased heart rate, nervousness
Desire for proximity - Wanting to spend more time with them
Enhanced mood - Feeling happier and more energised when around them
Idealisation - Focusing on their positive qualities and minimising flaws
Emotional vulnerability - Willingness to share personal thoughts and feelings
Physical attraction - Heightened awareness of their physical presence
Future thinking - Beginning to imagine a future together
According to research on falling in love psychology, these early emotional connection signs are driven by neurochemical changes in the brain, including increased dopamine and norepinephrine levels. The process of falling in love at this stage can feel intense and all-consuming, which is why it's often called the "honeymoon phase" of the stages of a romantic relationship.
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The 3-6-9 rule in dating is a guideline some people use during the early stages of falling in love to pace relationship development:
3 months - A good checkpoint to assess if the relationship has potential for long-term commitment
6 months - A typical timeframe when couples move beyond the honeymoon phase and see each other more realistically
9 months - A milestone when many couples decide about a serious commitment, such as moving in together or discussing marriage
This rule isn't a rigid timeline for the stages of falling in love psychology, but rather a loose framework to help people avoid rushing into commitment before truly knowing their partner. Everyone's process of falling in love moves at a different pace, and cultural factors, age, and individual circumstances all influence how quickly relationships develop through the relationship development stages.
Important note: The 3-6-9 rule should be viewed as a general guide rather than a strict requirement. Healthy stages of a romantic relationship develop at their own pace, and forcing milestones can create unnecessary pressure. What matters most is that both partners feel comfortable with the relationship's progression and are communicating openly about their needs and expectations.
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The 5-5-5 rule in relationships is a conflict resolution and perspective-taking tool useful throughout all stages of falling in love:
5 minutes - Will this issue matter in 5 minutes? (Immediate frustrations)
5 months - Will this issue matter in 5 months? (Medium-term concerns)
5 years - Will this issue matter in 5 years? (Long-term significance)
This framework helps couples during the continuation and deterioration stages of falling in love by providing perspective on conflicts. It encourages partners to assess whether their current disagreement is worth the emotional energy or if it's a temporary irritation that will fade. According to relationship experts, applying this rule during the process of falling in love and throughout the stages of a romantic relationship can reduce unnecessary arguments and help couples focus on what truly matters.
The 5-5-5 rule is particularly valuable when couples face the challenges described in the deterioration stage of the relationship development stages. By stepping back and considering long-term impact, partners can often de-escalate conflicts and refocus on their deeper emotional connection.
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The 7-7-7 rule for couples is a relationship maintenance strategy that helps sustain connection throughout the stages of falling in love and beyond:
Every 7 days - Go on a date together (even if it's simple, like a walk or coffee)
Every 7 weeks - Plan an overnight trip or special experience
Every 7 months - Take a longer vacation together to reconnect deeply
This rule addresses the continuation stage of the 7 stages of falling in love by ensuring couples don't fall into complacency. Regular quality time strengthens attraction and attachment bonds and helps maintain the emotional connection, signs that may fade with routine. The 7-7-7 rule recognises that maintaining passion and intimacy in the later stages of a romantic relationship requires intentional effort.
According to The Gottman Institute (a leading research organisation on relationships), couples who prioritise regular quality time together report higher relationship satisfaction and are better equipped to navigate the challenges within the stages of falling in love psychology. Implementing structured routines like the 7-7-7 rule can prevent relationships from sliding into the deterioration phase of the relationship development stages.
